Woman refuses to reference an ex‑friend of 6 years, Daniel, for new job after he threw her under the bus and blamed her for failed project

Author image for Etai Eshet
Etai Eshet • Editor
Feb 22, 2026 1:00 PM EST

Treating a friend like a doormat, then throwing them under a bus, and then expecting them to be a stepping stone for your career is actually crazy to me. Not sure what this guy was thinking, but maybe he climbed so many people's backs he has back altitude sickness. And if I were a friend, I'd refer him to the nearest mirror so he can reflect on why he's now friendless

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  • Portrait of a young woman with short curly blonde hair and a nose ring, wearing a beige tank top and gold jewelry against a soft green background.
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  • AITAH for refusing to be a reference for my ex-friend and possibly costing him a job?

    I'll try to keep this short but there's some background needed. Me and Daniel were close friends for about 6 years.
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  • We worked in the same industry (marketing) so we crossed paths professionally too, not just personally.
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  • About 3 years ago he was leading a project where I was one of the contributors.
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  • Long story short, when the project went sideways he basically threw me under the bus in front of the client and our mutual contacts.
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  • A former friend spends years moving through the same industry, crossing paths, doing the usual networking dance. Then one project blows up and instead of owning his part of the mess he picks a scapegoat and it happens to be the person who trusted him the most. He blames delays on their work even though he personally okayed every extension and never raised a red flag until it was time to shift blame. The fallout is real there are lost clients and damaged relationships and the response is not an apology but a shrug and a line about protecting the project.  

  • Told them the delays were caused by my part of the work. Which was partially true but he had approved every single deadline extension himself and never once flagged it as a problem until it blew up.
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  • Professional woman wearing glasses and a white blazer working on a laptop at a communal table in a modern coworking space with glass walls and industrial-style interiors.
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  • I lost a pretty decent client relationship over it. Daniel never really apologized, just said "you know how it is, I had to protect the project." We drifted after that and honestly I was fine with it.
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  • They drift. There is no hard confrontation no big blowup just quiet distance and mutual understanding that something is off. Then, years later, after zero contact, the same person shows up asking for a favor. He wants a professional reference for a senior role at a solid agency and acts like all the history is just background noise. He is asking the person he once threw under the bus to now stand up and wave a flag for him.  

  • Fast forward to last month. Out of nowhere he messages me asking if I'd be willing to be a professional reference for him, hes applying for a senior position at a pretty well known agency.
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  • I was genuinly caught off guard because we havent spoken in over two years and the last thing he did professionally was hang me out to dry.
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  • I said no. I told him I didn't feel comfortable vouching for someone after what happened and that I didn't think I could give him a fair and honest reference anyway.
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  • He pushed back a little, said it was "years ago" and that I was being petty.
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  • Businesswoman wearing glasses and a white blazer working on a laptop at a modern coworking space, resting her chin on her hand at a large table with glass walls and industrial decor in the background.
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  • I didn't argue, just held my position. Apparently he didn't get the job. A mutual acquaintance told me he's been telling people I "sabotaged" him by refusing.
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  • I didn't say anything bad about him to anyone, I simply didn't participate. Am I really the a hole for not wanting to put my name behind someone who already damaged my professional reputation once?
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  • I genuinely don't think I owe him that but the "sabotage" framing is getting in my head a bit.
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  • The answer is no. That does not make the person the villain it just makes them not willing to guarantee someone who already proved they can and will shift blame when it matters. The fact that he calls it sabotage for not participating says more about him than about anyone else. He wants credit for past work without the baggage of past behavior. Dating is not the only thing that feels like auditioning for a role that is already cast.

  • АІТАН?
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  • Safe-Amphibian-1238 NTA. All of the background aside, you not providing a reference is not a reason he would not get a job. You giving him a bad reference, maybe, but your refusal to write one at all? How would his potential employer know OP didn't give him a reference? Most likely, he did not get the position due to his own CV/ resume, or the interview process. But references are for candidates who passed those first two criteria checks. Also, he does not know the lack of your reference is the
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  • late_night_murmurs Original Poster's Reply Fair point. He probably didn't pass interviews; I just didn't want my name tied to him.
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  • peaceandquiet59 NTA. Actions have consequences. He's showing his true nature, which is to blame other people for his own failures. Not a good characteristic in a leader. You were honest and did the right thing. Tell people the truth if it comes up and write him off.
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  • late_night_murmurs Original Poster's Reply Exactly my thinking. The frustrating part is he never owned his part when the project slipped, I got blamed in front of the client and lost trust. I don't want revenge, I just won't attach my name to him. If a recruiter reaches out, I'll confirm dates/role and, if pressed, mention there were serious project issues.
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  • Head_Razzmatazz7174 I was thinking the same thing. His CV/resume was called into question. Even if you had given him a reference, and they never called, he would have blamed you anyway for just 'being on the list.' He was looking for a scapegoat, because he was pretty sure he wasn't going to get it.
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  • mistegirl Also, if he was not able to get a reference from someone he actually did work with in the last 2 years it kinda tells you that the problem is on his end. Odds are he pulled things like he did to you on other people, and he was counting on you overlooking it because of the past friendship. Dude did this to himself - NTA
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  • No-Housing-5124 NTA. It shows how many bridges he's burned that he considered you his best option for a reference. For all you know, another person gave an honest response to the recruiter and that's what tanked him.
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  • Independent-Gur1817 NTA
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  • Friendly_Apricot94 True I'd rather be honest than nice, not giving a reference is smart and not petty
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  • NerfnerNaughty Nta the only way you would be the a hole is if you agreed then threw him under the bus
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  • LvBorzoi NTAH I'm betting, since he came to you after the incident and no contact for 2 yrs, that this is a pattern,,, when a project gets snagged up he throws co workers under the bus. He can't find anyone who will vouch for him.
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  • YesterdayDull5922 NTJ. In fact, by stepping back, you gave him a chance at a great position. As a reference, you would have to either lie or make them aware of his lack of business ethics, causing the potential employer to most likely give him a hard no.
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management workplace discussion friendship employment issues workplace-stories bad friend hr coworkers friends colleague
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